Our Precious Baby, Penelope

On November 6, 2013 at 2:23 AM, I delivered our precious daughter, Penelope Kate Bledsoe. She is now with Jesus and will never know heartache or pain. We love her with every ounce of our being and will devote our lives to making sure we make it to heaven to hold her one day. 

Below, if you wish, you will find a more detailed account of what happened as well as pictures of our little girl. We realize many people may not want to read of this sadness or see pictures of Penelope after she had passed, but we want to have this to look back on for ourselves. 

It has taken me nearly three weeks to muster the strength to write this. I have attempted this post several times and just wasn’t able to do it up to this point. Dustin asked me how he could help and if I wanted him to write about our situation but I knew that I needed to do it myself. I am sure you are thinking “Why go into depth? Why not just leave it as it is stated above?”, but I can’t. I feel deeply that I owe it to her.

On Monday November 4, I woke up expecting just another day. We had spent the whole weekend in Tallahassee so I was a bit more tired than usual but I headed into work per usual. The work day was just like any other day. I had a meeting after school with co-workers and left 30 minutes early to go to my 5 month OB appointment.

18 Weeks Pregnant with Penelope

Just 2 weeks prior, we had seen our bundle of joy moving and kicking. We saw her heart beating and found out that she was a girl. We named her Penelope Kate that very day. Penelope is a family name and Dustin came up with Kate.  My parents immediately sent a package full of baby girl stuff (and some stuff for Beanie too ;) Both of our families were on cloud nine. We were all already in love.

Penelope and her heartbeat<3

Penelope sucking her thumb :)

What's inside?

Pink galore :)

Penelope's little shoes 

Toys and books for the Beans :)

When I arrived to the doctor, it was just Xavier and I. I told Dustin not to worry about coming to a regular checkup. There would be no sonogram, no important business—just check her growth and head home. When I got into the room, the doctor came in and measured my stomach. Next, she took out the tool that monitors the baby’s heartbeat. She worked at it for a few moments before she asked me to lie in a different position. She continued to search for the heartbeat for what seemed to me like forever. With every passing second, my heart began to beat more rapidly. I am not a doctor but I know enough to know that by 5 months, it should not be difficult to find the heart beat. She put the tool away without finding Penelope’s heartbeat and I began to panic. She told me that it was probably nothing to worry about and that we would do an ultrasound just to make sure. She mentioned something about the baby lying weird, the thickness of the placenta—it was all jumbled in my head because I couldn’t focus on her. All I could think was “Dear Jesus, please make everything ok.”

Xavier and I stayed in the room for roughly 10 minutes before we were called into the sonogram room. Within these 10 minutes, I got a hold of Dustin and told him that there may be a problem. He began to panic instantly and told me he was on his way. I told him to stay put because there was no way he could get across town by the time I had an answer so he sat by his phone waiting for updates. During this time I also sent a text to my parents and sisters telling them what was happening and asking them to pray fervently for our situation. They were all at my parent’s house at the time eating lunch and paused what they were doing to pray for us.

By the time the nurse walked me into the sonogram room, I was a mess. Xavier knew something was wrong and was clinging onto me for dear life so they allowed me to hold him as they conducted the sonogram. Both of my doctor’s were in the room at this time. It is all very blurry but I can remember saying out loud “Please Dear Jesus, Please Dear Jesus” a hundred times. Nearly a minute went by of silence. I finally spoke and said “Can you find it?” I could tell Penelope wasn’t moving but thought I had missed something. When I looked at them, they were both tearing up. They began to say they were so very sorry.

At this point, I lost control. My little girl was dead. It wasn’t possible. I remember rocking back and forth in the chair, holding onto Xavier. I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t think. I will always remember this as the absolute worst moment of my life.

The doctors asked something about where I live or how I would get home and I remember pulling it together so that they would let me drive myself. They told me to go home and be with Dustin and to return the following morning so that we could discuss the next steps.

I walked through the lobby, a swollen, sobbing mess and didn’t care who heard or saw me. I put baby in his car seat and called Dustin. He immediately left work, without telling his supervising doctor, and raced home. On the drive home, I called my mom and I will never forget the absolute wailing and moaning I heard in the background when I told her. My parents and sisters were devastated. Before we got off the phone, my mom told me that they were on their way to Florida.

I hung up, pulled into our driveway and sat on our front porch in such a daze. Xavier and I waited outside for Dustin to get home and once he did, we all just collapsed into each other, sobbing uncontrollably. It’s all so blurry.

I honestly have no recollection of that night. I was in disbelief and cried more than I ever have. I did not answer my calls, my texts, not even those of my sisters. I talked with my mom a few times just enough to know that there were no flights out until the following evening so they were just going to jump in their car and head down. That night was a sleepless one.

The next morning, Dustin and I got up and got Xavier ready to go to Susie’s. She would watch him until my parents could pick him up on their way in so that Dustin and I could go to the doctor and not worry about keeping him occupied. We arrived at the doctor’s office at 9AM and they saw us immediately. I was pretty sure that they would do a D&C and be done with it but I was wrong. The doctor informed us that I was too far along to safely have a D&C so I needed to be admitted to the hospital and induced. We would see our baby. We would hold our baby. Again, it was as if I was dreaming. She spoke for nearly 30 minutes about the procedure and all of the things that went into a situation like this. I didn’t hear most of it.

We went home to pack our hospital bag and, when there was nothing left to do, headed to the hospital. I remember thinking how cruel it all was—packing the hospital bag, heading to the hospital to have the baby. It was awful.

When we got to the hospital, I was again a mess. The nurses were so sympathetic and I could tell it took everything within them not to fall apart with me. Dustin and I waited in our hospital room for noon to come so that Doctor Cuadra could come in and start the process. In the meantime, I had to get an IV going and have my blood drawn. Because I had not eaten or drank anything since I had found out about Penelope (and had been crying uncontrollably) I was terribly dehydrated. It took 3 nurses and 8 needles before they finally got a vein—adding insult to injury.

By the time Dr. Cuadra arrived, my parents had arrived with Bean. They sat outside while Dr. Cuadra gave me the medicine that would induce labor. This was at 1:00PM. Now it was just a waiting game. My parents stayed in the room with us until about 9PM. I was given the medicine every 3 hours but was told that it could take DAYS for the labor to happen so I needed to be patient—Again, insult to injury.

Daddy and Beanie at the Hospital

When my parents left at 9, they took baby back to our house and stayed there. This was the FIRST and ONLY night I have ever been away from my Beanie and it was horrible. He did not want to leave with them and left crying and screaming but my mom put me at ease by sending me pictures and letting me know that he fell asleep on the way home and stayed asleep all night.

As I stated, I got the first dose of medicine at 1, the next dose at 4 and the third dose at 7. After the fourth dose at 10, the nurse asked me if I wanted a sleeping aid. I was going on 40 hours of no sleep so Dustin encouraged me to take it. I fell asleep quickly and slept until 1AM.

At 1AM, I woke up with some discomfort, and went to the restroom. Once I got back in bed, I felt my water break. It was in this moment that it was no longer a dream. Dustin and I wept together. It was happening.

I called the nurse and she said that I was progressing and so they would not give me the next dose of medicine because I did not need it. From 1AM to 2AM, I had contractions and when she came in to check me at 2Am, she stayed until 2:23AM when Penelope was delivered. She weighed 3.8 oz, was 7 inches long and had blue eyes. She was perfect. 

After she was born, Dustin and I were left alone with our little girl. We held her and kissed her and loved her. We had a preacher come in and bless her and pray with us. We got her foot prints and dressed her in tiny little clothes and blankets. We took her picture. But mostly we wept.

Her tiny little hand...

Her perfect little leg...

Our precious little girl

<3

With our rings

Baby Girl

From 2:23 until 6AM, we waited for the placenta to pass. By 6, enough time had passed that the doctor said it was medically necessary to do a D&C to remove it. They prepped me for surgery and told Dustin I would be back in less than an hour. I was so exhausted that I felt strange the whole ride down to surgery and could barely stay awake to listen to them explaining what was about to happen. I remember them putting something in my IV, saying that they were going to begin counting to 10 and the last number I heard was 3. The next thing I knew, I woke up to faces above me. I was still groggy and asked the nurse if I could “nap.” She chuckled and gave me permission. When I got back upstairs, Dustin was up and moving around. The sun was high overhead and it was then that I realized I had been out for longer than an hour. The surgery had lasted 4 hours. They had a very difficult time removing the placenta and once they had done so, they had to do a sonogram to make sure they had gotten everything. Also, during the process, I had begun to hemorrhage. I lost a liter of blood. They told Dustin that I would need to continue to take my prenatal vitamins and an iron supplement because of the amount of blood that was lost.

My parents came back to the hospital at about noon. At this time, we had Penelope put in the second room that they occupied for us so that Xavier was not with her unless we wanted him to be. My parents went in alone to see her. When they came back, it was time for us to check out of the hospital. At this time, Dustin and I went in to the second room to say goodbye to our little girl. At the very last minute, I decided I did want Xavier to see her. I wanted to be able to tell him that he had met his little sister, Penelope. He acknowledged her immediately and pointed curiously. We explained to him who she was and how much she was loved. We gave Xavier back to my mom so that we could have one final moment with her.

There are no words to describe this moment.

After saying goodbye, we left the hospital and drove home. That day was a blur as well. My parents took care of Xavier all day while I laid in bed and Dustin studied. The next morning, Dustin continued to study so my parents and I went to the funeral home to make arrangements for Penelope. We had her cremated and signed all of the necessary documents. Dustin left at 7PM that evening for Daytona. We paid thousands of dollars for this last test. If he didn’t take it now, he would have to wait until March to take it and in turn wouldn’t get his license until next May. He had no choice. It was awful.

We spent the weekend apart and my parents did everything they could to keep my spirits up. They replenished our refrigerator and pantry. They bought us enough cleaning supplies to last us a year. They got Xavier bundles of new clothes and toys. They bought me a few new dresses. They bought us special meals for every meal. By the time they left, Xavier was spoiled.

The "Precious Moment" my mom bought me called
"Mommy's Love Goes With You"

Over the weekend, Dustin and I both had our share of breakdowns. On Sunday, however, it was time for Dust to come home. I was so ready to see him and mourn with him but that also meant that it was time for my parents to leave. Awful.

On Monday, Dustin insisted that we take Bean to Susie’s so that we could spend the day with just the two of us. It was so needed and I am glad that he insisted that we make this time for each other. On Tuesday, we both went back to work, a mere week after losing little Penelope.

This Thursday, two and half weeks later, we went to Moss Feaster Funeral Home to get Penelope’s ashes.

Penelope's Urn.

Immediately after, we headed to the doctor for my postpartum appointment. We hoped to get answers. I went in with a page filled from top to bottom with questions and Dr.Cuadra sat with us for quite a while and did her best to answer each and every one.

The biggest question was what happened and why. We found out that there was a placenta abruption which means the placenta separated from the uterus. They could conclude this because during the D&C, they found a blood clot on the placenta. They also found Penelope’s blood in my blood which also points to this condition. I was not surprised to hear this. Throughout my pregnancy, I complained to Dust several times that I kept feeling what I described as a “ripping sensation” in my right lower abdomen. I just brushed it off as weird pregnancy pain.

Unfortunately, we don’t know the reason that this occurred. The best reasoning she could give us was that the egg had latched on to an abnormal place on the uterine wall and it just couldn't hold. It makes it so much more frustrating to have unanswered questions but we continue to pray for peace and understanding.

It is difficult to put into words now how we are feeling. We are so very thankful for all of the support we have had from friends and family during this time. We received more flowers, cards, gifts, and hugs than we can count. We are so blessed to have such amazing people in our lives.

Flowers from my sisters and brother-in-laws 

A necklace sent from my cousins

Edible Arrangement from our niece and nephews

Beautiful roses sent from my grandparents

We are lucky to have many things to remember her by. The clothes and blankets from the hospital, the afghan a nurse made me, cards, pictures, and so many other things.

Penelope's tiny slippers and blankets

Penelope's tiny footprints

All of Penelope's Memory Items

Penelope's death is still very difficult to deal with and every day presents its own new set of challenges. As we move forward, everything has changed. Our plans no longer revolve around a little boy and a little girl. But we are so very grateful that we have that precious little boy and we are so honored to be his parents and that is what we must focus on now.

Please continue to pray for us. We are mourning now, but we know that one day we will look back at this experience and remember our precious baby Penelope and smile.

Proverbs 3:5
Romans 8:18
Romans 8:28
Matthew 19:14
Matthew 5:4
Romans 8:12
Romans 8:38
Lamentations 3:21-23
1 Samuel 1:10
Matthew 11:28
Psalm 34:18